June 15, destination unknown

‘I don’t like planning too much.’ was Ian’s response to Mario’s question. He wanted to know where we were headed.
It is now 7.45pm and we are still moving. We have been on the go since 8am this morning. Ian got up, Mario woke up and they decided to go since they didn’t have anything better to do. We only had an anchor to pull up and I didn’t feel it necessary to get out of bed. They were perfectly fine on their own. I only got out of bed about an hour and a half later after day light had broken through and Ian had spoken to Betty and Wolfgang on the Patagonia Net.
I had felt a bit cold the night before and woke up feeling grumpy and out of spirits. Thoughts were piling in my head but I didn’t want to think. I only made me anxious and I was trying to avoid it at all cost, the best way being sleep.
When I got out of bed, I didn’t bother to have breakfast. I cut up some apples for myself and let the guys know that I wasn’t having any breakfast and they shouldn’t wait for me. I had two pieces of apple before I lost my appetite and lay on the couch. Still Ian cooked breakfast for all of us, and I had most of a small omelet and half a potato burger left from yesterday’s lunch. The rest I gave to Mario who gladly accepted it.
I didn’t feel well today. I was out of spirits. I spent the whole day lying on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep. At some point I felt cold, grabbed a sleeping bag and carried on sleeping. I even thought I was sick. The gentle rocking of the boat at some point had provoked a mild dizziness which had let to the nap described above.
When I woke up I picked up my book again and spent the rest of the afternoon reading, determined to finish the fourteen hundred pages of ‘War and Peace’. Having reached the last two hundred or so I have been impatient to finish and start a new one. Although it has been interesting and I have learned a lot from it, I have to admit it is not exactly a page turner and the detailed narrative does get boring at times. I have had to persevere through the hundreds of pages of meticulously described events and people. Now that I am almost at the end though I feel I would miss it when I am done as it has become such a big part of me and my life for the last month. Funny how we miss things like that…
As far as sailing is concerned – we made a good progress today. The conditions have been more or less favourable with gushes of easterly, and south-easterly winds (those coming behind us or from the side) allowing us to sail swiftly and a great speed (between 5 and 8 knots). Unfortunately, they haven’t been consistent forcing us to motor in between. Still, we are grateful for the free miles the winds gave us. The weather hasn’t been great, mostly cloudy and rainy, turning the horizon into a grey mass. It also makes the top hatches leak, meaning water drips on my face. Oh well! The joys of sailing.
The boys played backgammon all day today, competing against each other. I didn’t feel like it but still decided to play a couple of games against Mario. By the end of the second game I felt dizzy and had to lie down. I only got up for lunch in the late afternoon. The guys had been so engrossed in the game that had even forgotten about food. Unheard of! I have unleashed backgammon monsters! (I showed them the game)
I took a small bowl of lentils stew and decided to eat it outside in the cockpit. A bit of fresh air and solitude would do me good. I thought of some friends and one friend in Bulgaria in particular. It made me smile. Knowing that there are people out there who love and care for me a great deal is comforting. It makes whatever the current situation is easier to get through.
I washed the dishes after lunch and lay down on the couch again. I read and read, until I felt like writing. I was going to update the blog while listening to some music but my Media Player wouldn’t work, flashing error messages at me. So I set out to repair it. It hasn’t been working properly ever since I connected this FM transmitter that Bob gave me to it in order to be able to listen to music coming from my computer through the cabin speaker without using a cable. It worked very nicely but ever since the computer sound device has been acting up. So I looked up some more information on the error message itself that directed me to some other help files and trouble shooter. Step by step I managed to get the sound back but it still gave me an error message every time I tried to adjust the volume using the keyboard keys. Nevertheless I was very happy with the accomplished victory. It was progress.
I further fidgeted with the help files but wasn’t finding what I needed until I came across a restarting suggestion and thought I’d go with it. A lot of things seem to work after a simple restart. The computer came back to life and an unexpected deafening sound (a very high pitched beep) came through it. Not just the speakers, it seemed to be coming from the whole computer. Mario looked around with searching eyes, trying to figure out what the noise was. I looked around, until I figured it came from the computer. Then Mario disturbed by the noise looked at me accusingly. ‘You have to switch off the computer. That’s not a normal sound.’ He said. It dies away though and my volume keyboard keys worked. Complete victory! I am very happy, relieved (thought the pc might be broken and it is still brand new) and proud of myself for having fixed it without any help. Yes!
I am writing this now, Ian is cooking steaks and Mario is getting ready to do things on his computer, proudly showing off his new desktop image. It is a picture of moss that he took himself on our picnic day. But don’t let me get away from the topic…I wanted to talk about Ian.
I had gone into the bathroom and was taking my time brushing my teeth (for the first time today, imagine!) and splashing cold water on my face hoping to feel a bit more lively when Mario came knocking on the door.
– Everything alright in there? – he inquired. I said everything was fine and that I was just brushing my teeth.
– Katerina, what do you feel like eating for dinner? – he asked.
– It doesn’t matter – I replied.
– Ian is asking. He wants to please you – Mario then said.
– Oh! it really doesn’t matter, but let me think about it for a minute – I said.
It really didn’t matter; I just needed time to come up with a decent response for Ian. I didn’t want to offend his attempts at caring for me. He has always been so nice to me, always trying to cheer me up, or take the load off my shoulders when I wasn’t feeling well.
I came out, smiling (I knew he would appreciate it), looking at him. ‘Look! She is smiling!’ he exclaimed. I was happy that he was happy. I hate seeing him said and feel awful at the thought of being the cause of it. I do not want to be a burden or an inconvenience to anybody. That is probably my pride speaking though…Sometimes I wish I could give better definition to my feelings. This is what frustrates me so much – the inability to describe what I feel, the inability to make myself understood both to myself and others. That is why I fight any thought that tried to enter my head.
I know things are bothering me, I can feel it before it even enters my head. But how do I phrase it? Is it my pride that is hurt, am I offended, is it a sense of justice, is it weakness of character, is it my ego, what is it that upsets me? And then, say I have figured it out. Say, I have been able to pin point it and phrase it, explain it to myself. Am I right to feel that way? Does it come rightfully, or is it just a reaction of my own weaknesses and imperfections? To what extent it is our own responsibility and to what the other person’s? When things go bad we should look at ourselves first. But to what extent should we take the blame before it becomes unhealthy? Are we capable of being happy on our own, by adjusting only our perceptions of the surroundings? Or does it take two? Do I have the right to be upset, mad, sad, angry, hurt, frustrated? Isn’t it all just a response produced by our egos thus false? If we didn’t have ego we wouldn’t feel any of that or would we? What is a justified response? What is a universally right response…? Not my right, not your right, his or hers, but the universal right. The right from the source…
I suppose all of this is coming from various thoughts on the human ego and its manifestation in life. There would be no suffering without the ego but then what would there be? How would it feel? How does one know when he has achieved this blessed state of being? How does one achieve it? What steps are necessary? If one didn’t have an ego, is it then possible to love just anybody? If the subject-object relationship in which we perceive the world and that is dictated by the ego was not there would we be able to love (romantically) just anybody thus defeating the idea of ‘The One’? Would there be a need for that special connection people talk about? Is it possible? Or is love at that level is beyond any romantic, any earthly love?
The other thought that has been on mind recently is the one of love. Selfless love. Is it a feeling or an act? And just how much of it can one give before starting to feel deprived or robbed? Is it then selfless? How can one love selflessly and be at peace at the same time? Is it something completely dependent on the self or the object of love has a part in the process? I am trying to formulate a question here, the key question but it somehow escapes me…To what point one can give selflessly and be happy if one doesn’t get anything in return? Isn’t that the idea of selfless love? Is it possible? Obviously it is not selfless if something is wanted in return. I have to work on it. But I am glad I have awoken to it. Do we have to select the people we love selflessly though? Or we should love all men equally at all times? I wonder how it feels…?
What a detour that was! Anyway, it is probably time to wrap up for today. Dinner would be ready soon and I have exhausted my thoughts. It feels good. They were tormenting me, but now that they are out of me, I feel at peace. The answers would come.
Ian has decided on a night sail although there is no wind and we would probably end up motoring all the way to whatever our next destination is. We are close to Isla Chiloe where we would be stopping for fuel and a couple of other things (incl.Inet) before we embark on the last stretch of water to our final destination – Puerto Montt.
As we are approaching the end I feel more anxious with everyday. The boat and the people on it have become my home and family for the last couple of months and I am dreading the separation. I would be left alone again…
On a brighter note, new adventures lay ahead of me. With this I leave you for tonight. Adieu!
To be continued…

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